ohhhhhhh the ummmmmm

Another moment where I am in a group and I feel alone.
Distance between me and fitting in appropriately? Approximately 8 million light-years. Can't explain what I'm feeling or why feel the way that I do.

Probably because as a straight black man in America. I'm too weak to be "manly", too strong to be "weak", too weird to be "normal" and too normal to be "weird".

Protection aside, I now have to bleed out on my own, kill on my own and live on my own.
I do what I can to avoid any assumptions. Doing what I choose is how I am where I am.....

Never have I ever been remembered for the smiles and laugh that I caused. Only the pain and devastation. 

I am the summation of the flaws, mistakes, tragedies and erroneous claims.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Cracks in the glass ceiling.....

For 25 years I've had to brushups with the darker minds of society. Robbers  Killers Drug dealers Rapists And child molesters. "To get to where you are going, you must first acknowledge where you are." Who am I? Where was I? Where am I going? I ask myself these multiple times a day. I've been told that I was resourceful, intelligent, cunning at times. But that's tapping into the situation I came from, the antisocial, baser side that dad has repulsed daily for 10 years. But......in an effort to find himself; he has begun to alienate me. Making me feel less than useful. Reminding and enjoying reminiscing on my failures and shortcomings. He wants maturity, but what is developing is a side that I don't know if I can control: As the first picture shows, I am slipping. Slipping into a unfamiliar realm that I have no idea how or WHAT I'm going to do or even be for that matter. I always that once I got "...o
Read more

How do you feel when you look in the mirror? Regaining one self-confidence.

So I was by one of my friends to do a entry on seeing the you no one else does. Or metaphorically speaking, looking in the mirror. People sometimes look in the mirror in order give themselves a false sense of security (Everythings ok......., He/She's coming back......etc) And I mean sometimes it may work out, but there are "thoses times". The times its that one little that blows your self confidence out the water. The guy who you liked that went with the girl you hate. Or some chick blowing your head up, but only wanted your money. So your egos shot and you have no one to turn to so what do you do? Some lie, some do a self check and "look in the mirror". "But what if I don't like what i see?". Change it, its that simple. If you mean and you know it, start being nice. Or if you are very permiscious, then go celibate. And gradually you will grow to a confident individual. So other than looking in the mirror, what others ways either social or non-soc
Read more

Apocalyptic Circumstances

As I type this, tears are dimming my vision. Not out of sadness, but out of anger; frustration; fear and inadequacy. Angry because I feel as though I wasted everyone's time in chasing a dream that ultimately proved to end in a nightmare. I no longer beg for more time; I look up at the blood red sky and take off my mask for all to see who I am really..... To watch as I have to prepare to leave the veil of my stupidity, of my ignorance, of my shame. And watch as the world built around me crumbles under the weight of my newly found understanding. How could I let people who trusted me and put faith in me watch as I failed. Failed to see the end result that they saw. So as the apocalyptic circumstances are expeditiously approaching, I realize that not everyone who started with me is still here with me. 72 hours of normalcy I was given; 3 days...... Iniki, if you stumble across this, you may hate me...... But you've earned something much worse from me: clarity. That means I
Read more