Life As I See It

"Family oriented, but I'm far from friendly....." - Korporate Bidness (Santorini Greece Freestyle) But what is family though? Genes only make you related,  but not always relatable. I have a bunch of people who I was raised around but now look at like: "who tf is this again?"🤔 because I have different experiences than them. Granted I still love them, I love the hell out of them (eh ⅘) but I know that the way I am and the way they are is like old school versus new school. Same way with my Dad, I looked at him for strength in my darkest days (and I've had a lot of them) and now I understand that our relatability stopped at 18 and I'm 29 now.  His methods aren't my favorite anymore. I've gotten older and I think different and move different: he's always on the aggressive offensive, which is offensive for his team players, but I don't think he gets it. Me? I'm passively offensive, I plan and move when no one is watching; I don't want

Coming to realize that I have been living in a room with no windows and one door. I was reminded just how absolute death is. There's no respawn point. No one ups 🍄 No fairies or potions to revive you. I've always that my death would minimal and not mean much. But in death is when we are remembered most. I'm by no means aiming to die any sooner than predated. And reading the news about all these people dying is something that is scary to me. Instead of asking about them caring for me, I'm asking about what I can do to ensure my survival..... That last page isn't written yet....

"You want this power......then come try to take it....." - Casey Edwards (Bury the Light) I've realized that I am stronger than I have been and weaker than once believe. Our biggest flex is creating a new present where we feel invincible and all powerful. Yeah unfortunately it's never been the case for me. My greatest strength is the fact that while I disturb waves; I don't create tsunami's. So the damage is pretty small. But I get into a disastrous life situation and save people. See, having powers isn't something reserved for men in red boys short and women who look like a poster child for the revolutionary war 🤣. Us normal folks have lot's of powers: Power of choice Power of discretion Power of love For example. My power is a lot stronger than I thought, so I'll use mine to help me and you figure out how we can get it together and change the end result. ✌🏾❣️🤣

As my depression ramps and drags me down for awhile, it's hits me that I have no one to turn to. Those that I can turn to in my inner circle are tired of my musings as I try to figure out wtf I'm doing. And the ones outside of that don't give a fuck about me because they don't know me........ It's traumatizing to feel this way: wanting to break away but not sure who you're saving; them or you. I've never been truly depressed but now I'm not sure why I'm pushing for. I don't want attention but I want to be able to feel like I'm accepted. My Dad looks at me from a place of superiority and shame because of the choice's I've made since the beginning. My friends look at me from a place of detachment because they see who I am, but don't know why I am how I am. My girlfriend is looking at me from a place of distrust because she views me from a place of encompassed hurt, like I'm the one who is going to hurt her next. But at the same

"This is where we come, yeah we did it. City on my back, yeah I made it."- (Where We Come From) - Lecrae We are so often told that we are influence our environment and how it dictates how we are viewed by the world.... But what is very often withheld is it's the other way around; we forget that we ultimately influence our environment and the factors that compose it.  People are going to judge not necessarily on the environment itself but the assumed reason why it got that way and the majority opinion on the environment. If you come from an impoverished neighborhood, it's automatically assumed that you are a part of the problem created by the neighborhood in totality. You may not have anything to do with it.  But we gotta understand that the world makes us as much as we make it.

"Past is only cemented: hard to change and even harder to control..." So I'm going back to college, the thing is that I don't have anyone to support me mentally, not with the fervor that I have made sure people are ok with their own processes. But this isn't a bitching post. 25 years ago today, I was sitting in a room (learning center(?)" In foster care. Watching TV and I saw a show called Blue's Clues. The energy, the connection being built up with someone that I didn't know. This was hands down the only thing I can watch without feeling weird. But the original shows host came back to talk to us about why he left and how proud he was of for all our accomplishments........ It's been the most heartwarming and heartbreaking moment in 2021. Mostly because it's one of the things I put in the back of my head...... Here's my paw print Steve, right on my heart where you left it.....

“ain’t got no time or no patience for lists they be making or who they debating is better, let’s face he’s one of the greatest no Bill Cosby shit but if niggas is sleeping then fuck em” 😭. - J. Cole Like the quote says, I don't have any interest in being on the top 10% of anything; solely because I don't want to fight someone for the top spot. Out of fear for jealousy and ultimately the disappointment of not being relevant.   People have slept on me for so long that I'm not perplexed or fazed by it.

"It's quiet on the set when it's time for action; words don't match verbs, they need closed captions...." - Emmanuel Hudson - Chess Moves Because typically I'll have something planned out (somewhat). But tonight, I think I'm going off the rip. Soooo yeah...... Ok so, I realized that I pitch fits like someone who pitches a tent: using as a resient to get things done........ Weird right?   Like I get that your feelings can be your pit or peace; but at the same time I am using it to figure out what I am going to do next.   Reason is because I'm so used to the emotional warfare that i really think of my best ideas in the most stressful situations. But at the same time, life is chess board and I have to figure out who's really for me. I'm the King of my castle, kinda goes without saying. I think I've found a Queen. My Bishop is someone who is as militant as I am strategic. Who can get me to chill. Knight is going to help me make the difficult

Call me old fashioned.... But I'm starting feel like courting women with authenticity is really archaic. Me taking her out for that just sex is something is outdated. Me wanting more than just physicalities and 30 minutes of pleasure is something that gets me more denial than anything I've ever tried..... Like I've been pretty chill. Been eually active but I've only had 1 ONS ( and that was this year mind you). And that was enough to keep a mutually desire for each other aflame. But me saying that "I want to get to know you." gets me the shocked face or the "I dont think I'm ready for a relationship." Like are we not adults?? Do I have to start looking for women with kids for any sort of a consistent affection? Or do I have to turn into the Rai's and Yakki's where the only thing I'm interested in are bets and sex? A little on the nose I know but I'm seriously asking: How can I attract someone with the same interests in me

Was something. Typically I would have a snippet from a song to kinda summarize the post. But I don't think there is one: "Break 'em" - Ice Cube [realized at 12:23a] 😂 Starting to feel like an Untouchable. Not the Denzel Washington kind: "I CAN'T BE TOUCHED!" - Denzel Washington; Training Day But more like the Middle Eastern caste system, bottom of the totem pole, plague like, untouchable. No calls (unless I make them) No texts (unless I make them) No appointments...... Notice the pattern? Seems like some people are given the whole "out of sight; no news is good news" category. Or maybe it's because I'm just boring; kinda like watching paint, spaghetti and a towel dry. But still, my mental health has been teetering and tottering for YEARS. But whatever right.

"Damn, that nigga did it how I always wanted to do it And I'll never be able to do it like that" - Jermaine Cole I do it for myself..... Because who's really watching my playbook? No seriously, like who really cares if my plays make or take money? As I sit and wonder what's next I realize that I am someone who applies pressure in my imagination. Not because I'm the only one watching; because I'm the only participating in the races that I run. I am my only competition in my opinion. Because whether I do too much or I don't do enough, I'm the only person hit by the shots fired. Granted I'm A LOT more quiet now. (I got all the poppin' off in high school to and about people I could a fuck about.....) But it's funny how people get involved in other folks business and stay talking about how they don't have the money they want. "Do what the song say or else it'll be a long day. BE Easy!" - T.I.

" In order to lose I needed to win; in order to win I needed to choose I needed to fall, I needed to choose I couldn't be safe, I couldn't be you I'm coming for everything they said that I couldn't Including your plate and all of your food....." -Joyner Lucas (Revenge) Not to brag about the things that I have done, because let some tell it; I haven't done enough. But put it simply: I'm out for blood..... As a preteen, I was told that I was going to be a statistic, I'd end up like my mother, dead or in jail. And for the longest time I renounced the premise, I swore to God that I wouldn't be any more than what I want to be. Not anything that I wouldn't won't my kids to be..... And it worked, I've developed a certain muscle memory against it. I subconsciously work towards the "better side". The only reason I put it in quotation because I know that it's not the most lucrative way. But I'm not going to jail, I don't

"See, I'm happy the man I is; and I'm proud of the man I've become...." - Logic (Man I Is) Standing by myself and reflecting on my achievements.... it's bittersweet. Not to say that I thought I couldn't; more like I thought I wouldn't: Graduate high school. Graduate college. Learn to walk again. Save money. No criminal record. No kids/estranged baby mama(s). I'm not knocking anyone who this doesn't apply to; shit happens to the best (and "worst") of us. But to grow up in a "black means bad" society where you have more enemies then angels. Where hustling is seen as anarchist method and your complexion means more than what you do. Seems like negatives are POSITIVELY easier to manifest and work towards than the legal route. And granted I've done dirt and I'm not saying that there's only one way to skin cats; but to see where I am versus where I was going is overwhelming. Besides nowadays: People don't pay attent

Butterflies Are Free To Fly! As a Black man living in San Francisco, I sometimes feel seen for who I am but oftentimes feel seen as a bug that must be squashed and swept away. This feeling is increased with the seemingly daily dwindling of Black residents in The City.  This is in stark contrast with my upbringing in Atlanta, the Black Mecca of the South, where for each hostile face that scowled at me, there were scores of beautiful brown faces that not only beamed at me but challenged me, and lifted me.  Recently, as I sat on my sunny cool San Francisco patio, I saw a number of insects going about their business in my garden. So, that prompted to call my sister 3,000 miles away to ask, “what do you think of cockroaches?”  Her immediate response was , “Ewww, I prefer seeing them on their backs with their legs in the air.”  Then I asked what she thought of butterflies.  This led into a description that included elegant, peaceful, transformed creatures that glide through the sky displayin

I'm single..... like a dollar bill..... Like a single shoe..... Like the number of sauces you get with 60 chicken nuggets..... And I gotta say that reasoning is really foul..... To be lied to every month since 2017 is mind blowing. To understand why it happened is absolutely the most difficult thing I've had to understandin my 28 years of breathing air..... I've developed an irritation at first that has become burning sensation that no amount of cream can heal. Now I have to make it through each day, with a growing amount of animosity.....

Everyone belongs to someone right? How is that decided though? By some unspoken relationship algorithm? Some planned coincidence? Through some process orchestrated by the Relationship Cabal (Relatio-uminati??) Someone should look into that last part. But the reason why I brought it up is because as a youth I was always told the cliche: There is someone for everyone . And I look back at past friends and relationships (high school esp) I went through A LOT of them. And as I look back at the Leroy's, Antonio's, Darnetta's, Seyerra's and Ta'Nisha's. I can't help but wonder: did I miss my 'lasting forever'? Granted these people are still around and I'm "grateful" for them but I'm still curious on the permanance of the bonds made..... But on the other hand I wonder if we are simply a part of the Fate sisters boredom and are subject to their whims....... Huh.......things i should really put more thought into......

Picture this, Being in a room full of mirrors that show your deepest, darkest desires..... The rationalized murders, the dissident plans, the justified thefts..... Shadows against the walls of the hallway, (as a soft, twisted of Milky by Takamaru Gaiden plays) voices screaming " DO IT! COME ON! " Echo from down the hall as blood starts cascading from the ceiling. Covering the furniture and flowers you think you see because with every step the scenes change and bodies begin appear in different disjointed and disfigured. Faces you know all to well. As you begin to panic, trying not to fall into the pool marked Bloodlust because you know if you follow, the current will sweep you away and you'll end up at Mephistopheles ' feet with blood on your hands and hatred in your eyes. So you have to WAKE UP ! So you begin to SCREAM   as loud as you can. Because this can't real. Your Dad taught you better than that. Better than me, better than the age of Chaos beginning to pre

Me. I am my consistent friend, foe, angel and demon. Been in crossroads where I was left cross-eyed because of the trouble I left me in. Stay taking L's and hoping I'll win. Not use to "we" moments because I'm so used to "me" moments. Never mind the fear made because of the graves dug. Drowning in my private ocean when I just needed to swim. Forgot my floaties and had to rely on them.... 28 years old and I'm struggling with my dark side. Sitting in my room, with my soul stuck outside. Not gonna lie, as hard as I try; feeling like I'm ultimately going to fail. Living in Atlanta like I'm 3 steps from hell where I watch Her cook up the pot and I wait for my plate. Started early this year and I'mma stay late. Keeping low while getting high to cope so in my airspace. Lemme start my humble pie after I finish saying my Grace.

So now I know how it feels to have meaningless sex..... Nothing. I feel absolutely nothing. Linked up with my ex, hung out and the end result was sex. The thoughts in my head were very in the moment to say the least. My goal was to snatch her soul. And I did that. Now that I did, I have no idea why I stayed as long as I did. The ease of access is simple and I see why there were sooooo many people in and out of the relationship. But she assumed that I wanted a relationship again..... Meanwhile, in our universe. All I wanted was to see what the other side of the fence was like.

Imagine: Waking up to a world where you no longer know who you are. You do as you are told, not because it's right; not because it advances you in life but solely because you are so used to it. So used to it that you are numb to the side effects and consequences of the act.  Being nice to your enemies, dating people who have cheated on you; making decisions for people because you care more about their opinion of you than you do about the opinion on yourself. So you have to run around acting like nothing is wrong. As you break down because of the toxic rage coursing through your veins......you are surrounded by people who are oblivious to the way you really feel. You hide your emotions from people because the ones that can help charge a fee for helping keep the world from blowing up in chaos. And the one's close to you don't care to help because life right? Every time you close your eyes, you are greeted an eternally angry version of you. Beating at the back of your eyes....

Scrapping with the bro's used to be something that I would avoid when I was younger..... But now I'm like: "what's the best way to make them feel the way I do on a daily basis." Rage, animosity, confusion....not giving a fuck about the way I feel about the abandonment from a decade ago. But just being free from the singular reality on the day to day was enough. Friends creeping with my girls; girls trashing me with the niggas I'd dap up not knowing that these people were watching me struggling to maintain my sanity. Struggling to keep my head up.  And when I find out, I get the: "I don't know how the conversation got started....." And "I just want to let you know..." But I never found out what caused the niggas I'd give my last breath for, to cause them to burn me the way I think. So I now have to peep the moves made when they think I'm not looking.  So the whole loyalty thing is one sided. I get cheated but I can't say anyt

As I sit here at 6:53 in the morning, tears rolling down my face. Letting the dark thoughts out to give me some company. My brothers are so happy chasing women and money to pay for the situations purchased. Stockpiling resources while dealing with the hidden fees of LIFE, PRIDE and PREJUDICE .......bills right? Father's so caught up with dating and "finding himself" that he doesn't notice that his 'kid' has been teetering and tottering on suicide for years. Because while I help others out, my feelings are minimized and encapsulated with the label "not my problem" that it's becoming a familiar presence like my shadow.  The things that I do are so often viewed as 'attention seeking', 'evil', 'mean spirited' or a bevy of decentralized adjectives that are way easier to throw out without realizing that in order to believe a label; one must experience it first-hand, that I'm often feeling like a smooth criminal..

Watching Sherlock, and I've come to the realization that as macabre and dismal as the show is it makes me feel like I'm underestimating myself. To understand the complexities of his forensic exploitations are really riveting but really something for me to apply to my intellect. Let's go ahead and run through a scenario: I have a small social circle of a wavering of 12-8 people. Different strengths and weaknesses, different tatics and methods of operation; but ironically, they all have stages of lapsed memory. Finding out what makes them takes varying degrees of frustrating yet repetitive lyrics. 1) can't seem to remember sexual endeavors and tends to merge past and present events into one enormous mush of a napalm. Varying skill sets mean that I have to find pulse points in our conversations. My digging for mutual clarity has caused me to create a monster that I have to rein in. Song? Monster- Kanye West 2) Musical virtuoso; comparable to Swizz Beats, some would say he

Then it's up to me right?.... Short answer: absolutely! Because if a process that benefits you doesn't start with you, then who? All to often did (and sometimes I still do) have the expectations for a process to be started and reluctant to start or continue the same process by myself. Saving. School. Relationships. Friendships Etc. Butttttt.... while I can't speak with or for everyone, I'll give some advice: If it's not on a tight deadline; some progress is better than no progress. Practice makes better, not perfect. You are your biggest critic, so be nice to you. Eat, drink and sleep with tomorrow in mind.

If you don't know what that is, it's the assumed pride and mental state of the general heterosexual male. Y'know, the pride, dishonest and philandering nature of that we are supposed to have. I am a straight black man BUT I apparently have been cut from a different cloth..... Sitting in a cargo van heading to go pick up a load of food for Atlanta Public Schools and the two other passengers(both men) are talking about recent conquests. And as I listen to my music on full blast, I look up to both of them looking at me asking for my input. Asking questions like: "How was your weekend? (granted it's Thursday and they've seen me all week.)" "Did you clap cheeks?" "Did you do the touchdown dance afterwards?" (I'm guessing I'm in a rolling locker room 🙄) I'm perplexed by the questions because I'm wondering: "WHAT IN THE F$&K ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THIS INFORMATION?!" *Ahem* Because J. Cole said it best: ".