Life As I See It

So recently I was on YouTube, and a YouTuber named BugattiBeez was talking about the difference between being Alone and being Lonely . While they seem similar, in definition and usage sometimes (the same way effected and affected can be confused) there are some differences: a) Being left A lone means that you a preference on who or what you CHOOSE to interact with at the time of acknowledgement. b) Being lonely means that you have no desire or reason to connect with anyone else whether you are with a group of friends or family. Or even if you have your phone in your hand and are scrolling through your contacts to see who's available and not wanting to reach out. I realize that I enjoy being by myself. I have more options for what I can do with my time; because it's exactly that, MY . TIME . I have free will to choose whether or not I want to do something tonight or tomorrow and what I want to eat (if anything). But being lonely is where true emptiness comes in. That

As I type this, tears are dimming my vision. Not out of sadness, but out of anger; frustration; fear and inadequacy. Angry because I feel as though I wasted everyone's time in chasing a dream that ultimately proved to end in a nightmare. I no longer beg for more time; I look up at the blood red sky and take off my mask for all to see who I am really..... To watch as I have to prepare to leave the veil of my stupidity, of my ignorance, of my shame. And watch as the world built around me crumbles under the weight of my newly found understanding. How could I let people who trusted me and put faith in me watch as I failed. Failed to see the end result that they saw. So as the apocalyptic circumstances are expeditiously approaching, I realize that not everyone who started with me is still here with me. 72 hours of normalcy I was given; 3 days...... Iniki, if you stumble across this, you may hate me...... But you've earned something much worse from me: clarity. That means I

As I type this, tears are dimming my vision. Not out of sadness, but out of anger; frustration; fear and inadequacy. Angry because I feel as though I wasted everyone's time in chasing a dream that ultimately proved to end in a nightmare. I no longer beg for more time; I look up at the blood red sky and take off my mask for all to see who I am really..... To watch as I have to prepare to leave the veil of my stupidity, of my ignorance, of my shame. And watch as the world built around me crumbles under the weight of my newly found understanding. How could I let people who trusted me and put faith in me watch as I failed. Failed to see the end result that they saw. So as the apocalyptic circumstances are expeditiously approaching, I realize that not everyone who started with me is still here with me. 72 hours of normalcy I was given; 3 days...... Iniki, if you stumble across this, you may hate me...... But you've earned something much worse from me: clarity. That means I w

Right now, I'm currently working on getting through the purge of a person that I tried to woo for 10+ years. I know that sounds like a hyperbole; but I can assure that I'm being truthful. What I could do; I did. And what I couldn't do; I tried. But I couldn't do anything that I don't agree with. And it calls to question just how "off the reservation" I am..... I've saved people from suicide and not in the manner of calling their bluff or using scripture. But by talking to them..... Besides....I'll always love you.... But I'll love me more.... Continued on 8/25...... As I truly understand what I am dealing with in terms of my recovery efforts. Because while I saw this coming, it still stings......a lot...... I realize that the process won't be so long winded; arduous and painful. Solely because I wasn't at fault this time [much]. I was called manipulative and selfish; but who isn't? It's said that hindsight is 20/20 so e

June 8, 2008- I met you with a smile on my face and the cleanest heart possible for someone in my position. Through the ups and downs, I remained ever vigilant to remain the same friend that you needed and but never wanted. 10 years later on July 7, 2018 we got together as a team and briefly faced life as a duo with an incomprehensible amount of energy that went from chaotic to peaceful for awhile....... On August 1, 2018 we split the atom and opened Pandora's box to see what was lain inside of it. Out came a whirlwind of pent up pain and hatred that was donated by you and nurtured by you. Like how a mother nurtures her baby..... On August 18th of the same year, you made it known that you don't want anything to do with me as I don't meet up with your requirements and goals for a man. "It's always dark right before it goes pitch black....." Peace and Devastation......

To the storm that just passed, What are you here for? For yourself? Me? For the avoidance of the dark side (which inexplicably you ended up being on.) Because you don't want to talk to me; you just want to leave a destruction in your wake . At first this was supposed to be a pained entry about how you hurt me..... But I have to take into account that this hurts you just as much if not more than I was hurt. So while the questions are still valid; I have to come to the understanding that while I am not able to walk by your side like it was initially dreamt about. I walk behind you, because though you'll want to go your way and date your type of people who fit the mode of the "ideal man". I still love you and will have your back like always. Hopefully I can stay around and complete the Focus set up. But hopefully the memories we've made helps support the decision we've made. I also now understand why you were so reluctant (or so I believe....) "

Question that has been percolating for a long time now: When's the appropriate time to pass away? Is it when you have nothing else to live for? Is it when God calls you home? Is it when your last wheel stops turning? Like when is it? Because it seems like no one is accepting anyone dying not even themselves. But we seem to forget that the only thing that is certain in life is Death . I know that this is a pretty dark post and I apologize if I seem unphased by others feelings towards the subject. But that's the way I view the subject.

Question that has been percolating for a long time now: When's the appropriate time to pass away? Is it when you have nothing else to live for? Is it when God calls you home? Is it when your last wheel stops turning? Like when is it? Because it seems like no one is accepting anyone dying not even themselves. But we seem to forget that the only thing that is certain in life is Death . I know that this is a pretty dark post and I apologize if I seem unphased by others feelings towards the subject. But that's the way I view the subject.

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=695926257142430&id=329129757155417 What I can do, I've done; what I couldn't do, I've tried...... The worst thing about achieving is the painful realization of winning a battle of epic proportions knowing that you had no one standing behind you.... I've gone through hell, crossed bridges, climbed mountains just to see what the other side looks like..... Only to find that some people I did it with were people that doubted me every step of the way...... Slow progress is better than no progress.... But at the same time: self reliance is the best reliance....

"As I progress, beset by the corrections I've made, the goals I've achieved, the one's that I have yet to reach. The friends that I have, the friends of my enemies and the chaos I've left in search of the day when I find peace. I must say that I have yet to receive a standing ovation from anyone that stands strong enough to outweigh the pain I've caused me and others." "As I stand out from the crowd, in the face of eternal bedlam, and acknowledge the one's who have gone to be where they made true, understanding that is a future in which my drop of water and grain of rice can very easily help topple the darkness within each person, while minimizing the light, I must think about pre-planning, media-planning and post-planning with the limits I've acquired by the Fates. While I'm not the most fortunate person who ever lived, I am one of the most lucky one's to ever come from what and where I came from.

"For the longest time; you asked me why I'm here. What's my purpose in staying? Have you ever considered that maybe my purpose is to help you find your purpose? You're right, maybe you don't want me. Maybe I'm not the one who keeps your mind at ease and heart full. But what if I am? What if I am the one but it is not my time yet. I've always been here for you, through my bloodshed, pain and stress and yours. This isn't about pulling rank this is about dedication. You don't believe that I have a relationship with Christ. But with Christ-like patience; fortitude and sacrifice. I have stood feet planted; arms-like welcoming friends and enemies alike to give and take as they saw fit. We believe different because we are different. But I fight for an audience with you; you've judged me by my past; not present or future. I was confused and in pain back then. But I'm coming to accept the crosses I have to bear in life. So while you focus on your

1) "I love you..." 2) "I missed you babe....." 3) "I won't fold unless......." These are the reasons I love you.......the support you gave me; but arsenium is one hell of a way to go right? I know you don't care and you didn't like him but image the look on my dad's face when I had to tell him that we are done...... 06/2008 until 07/2018: a decades amount of time..... just gone........wiped away like it was insignificant....... Until we meet again right?