Life As I See It

"Someone please turn off my mind; my thoughts are racing all the time; there is no reason or no rhyme....... I'm trapped inside myself....." At 09:40 everything that I have worked so hard for came to screeching halt. When it was brought to my attention that the one person that I have truly vented to wants to cop out. So right now....I feel DEVASTATED , NEGLECTED , and more often than not: ALONE . Part of me screams for compensation of like weight and measure. Part of me isn't surprised that this is the Four Horsemen coming to greet me at Hell's Gate: War amongst myself; inside myself. Pestilence amongst the death of the inner joy I've felt. Caused by the bottle of venom and sodium pentathol..... Famine as I'm starved of the Ambrosia salad that contains the fruit I desire. Death of the part of me that is bound in chains awaiting the ending of the day...... But that's a hyperbolic monologue that I am going to try and make wrong. Here's

So it's been 7 years since you've been laid to rest. One would think that you would take better care of a younger sibling right? Apparently, you decided that touching a little brother and hiding from our parents kept you from the bottom of the page. Right? Well baby girl; karma tends to strike at odd times..... Touching me (amongst other things) caused you to suffer through the cyclical process of life and having to deal with the worst card possible: cancer. My question is: why? - Why me? - Why then? - Why hide it? You had a darling baby girl named Nevaeh (ironically enough, it fits the backwards logic behind your logic); but I wonder, would you have touched her the same way you desecrated me. The body is a temple that you took advantage of. But you are forgiven; because I don't want you to feel like a death knoll is enough to make amends.

For 5 years , we looked for you; to connect with you, to be reassured that you are indeed safe. For two and three of us to touch and agree and have you in our midst. To love and hugs out the various demons that have loomed over your shoulder as you have had to watch helplessly as your husband; your best friend left for reasons unbeknownst to me. As your kids were taken away from you by government intervention. You were left by yourself to chase the dragon; to run away from the pain, the failures, the actions and inactions; to endure silently as not one but BOTH of your donations to the future zeitgeist found the love that people swore you couldn't provide them. Because who are they to question the ordained loyalty and love you have for the only things that made this hell bearable?! To watch as you were already on turbulent ground with your eldest daughter, and find out that she has a daughter that you can't touch or see. To find out that your kid brother is savagely beating y

"Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost....." Everything that has existed, is existing or will ever exist will follow this premise. This can be translated into the Law of Conservation. This states that energy cannot be created or destroyed; but rather transformed or transferred. Whether we can comprehend the creation of philosophical guidelines or manufacturing goods for the populace of this biosphere we occupy; we comply to this principle. This original principle is known as the Principle of Equivalent Exchange. Because to whom much is given; much is required. Right?

".....to obtain something; an item of equivalent value must be sacrificed..... this is the principle of equivalent exchange" I've given time; I've given energy; I've made sacrifices ("...I done gave up so much free time knowing time ain't free..."). Now that I am asking for reciprocation and hardly anyone has any desire to do so. "I can't..." "I won't..." "I don't..." So why should I continue to try and make it work when people don't (or won't) have the clairvoyance to make it work on both sides? Care to explain?

Realizing that life isn't a river...... It's an ocean, and we're not on the beach, we're the inhabitants of it. Whether we want to admit to it or not; we can't resist the fluidity of it. We just have to live and make the most of it before we can't swim anymore. As time goes on, we evolve and pick which type of fish we are and what we plan on doing with our choice. We can be easy prey for sharks, be majestic like a dolphin. Be as reclusive as octopus or as shrouded as the fish deep. Which do you prefer?

So today is July 18th, and I've been thinking: "what has made me.....well 'me'?" I understand that a person is the summation of all the actions, inactions, experiences and inexperiences that he/she has chosen. But what about the choices of others? If say a person (we'll label them A) went back and changed an action (labeling this x^nth). How would that action revision change your choice of actions?? Would it lead you changing you into a completely different person? So now we have a equation (a +(-)x^nth=??) Because no one knows how the divergence would really end right? What if all the tears and fears could be avoided by simply making different choices. But at the same time, what if those same revisions cost us happiness and peace promised to us further down the road? Let's say that you were given two books: one about the life you're currently living and one where your choices were changed; would you read over the changes?

"Die a hero; or live long enough to see yourself become a villain...." I've made my choice to contribute; to love; to help others until I'm placed 6 feet under in a pine box.... This is my focus, my vision for my future. I have made a choice where I have no other way to live with myself and push the envelope. "If it's meant then it'll be; of it's not then fuck it I'mma try....." Because one day everybody gotta die and live deal with the choices made while alive right??

Realness by T.C.H. Bostic: To see what I've seen, to understand what's been understood, to go where I've gone; you must shed some tears, face some fears, tell some lies, Let some dreams die and see some angels fly. You must: fail but still try, you must shine bright on the darkest night, keep your head up and your goals in sight. Understand that the best path isn't always the quickest, every branch isn't always the stiffest and every come up won't always make you the richest.