Word to Mother

For 5 years, we looked for you; to connect with you, to be reassured that you are indeed safe. For two and three of us to touch and agree and have you in our midst. To love and hugs out the various demons that have loomed over your shoulder as you have had to watch helplessly as your husband; your best friend left for reasons unbeknownst to me. As your kids were taken away from you by government intervention.

You were left by yourself to chase the dragon; to run away from the pain, the failures, the actions and inactions; to endure silently as not one but BOTH of your donations to the future zeitgeist found the love that people swore you couldn't provide them. Because who are they to question the ordained loyalty and love you have for the only things that made this hell bearable?!

To watch as you were already on turbulent ground with your eldest daughter, and find out that she has a daughter that you can't touch or see. To find out that your kid brother is savagely beating your baby boy to hide the fact that he has a occupant In his home that he's silently jealous of because possible intellectual gaps and deficiencies.

To have to sign away your rights to YOUR kids to complete strangers; to relinquish the God ordained right to bring lives into a world filled with FUCKING screw ups, murderers and rapists. To pass them along to people who can possibly be murderers and rapists.

To hear that your baby girl is having to deal with a cancer that is literally killing her and eating her from the inside out. To seeing your son growing up without his mother and being ok. To hearing him call you "Mom" and not knowing if that's a formality or a snide attempt at calling something that you never really got when you were in the motherly position.

To watch as your daughter is dying in a hospice with her new family and friends around. As you attempt to apologize for the mistakes made in what feels like a lifetime ago. Only to be aggressively corrected by your youngest son as he attempts to forcefully remove you from her bedside for your failure to follow instructions set by the doctor in her final moments.....

To see your son in his cape and gown as they call his name to pick up his high school diploma and receiving a less than warm reception from him.....

All of this leading up to this letter from me to you....

Stephanie Ann Holmes(Stegall), if you're alive and kicking, you will never be able to atone for your time gone and the hardships created......

But if you're dead; may you have a blessed rest because you are to get out of this devil's trap of a world.....

Know that while you weren't here like people expected for you to be; your donation to the world and the shattering of your family helped complete others.

Give us a sign...... please

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