Life As I See It

"It's quiet on the set when it's time for action; words don't match verbs, they need closed captions...." - Emmanuel Hudson - Chess Moves Because typically I'll have something planned out (somewhat). But tonight, I think I'm going off the rip. Soooo yeah...... Ok so, I realized that I pitch fits like someone who pitches a tent: using as a resient to get things done........ Weird right?   Like I get that your feelings can be your pit or peace; but at the same time I am using it to figure out what I am going to do next.   Reason is because I'm so used to the emotional warfare that i really think of my best ideas in the most stressful situations. But at the same time, life is chess board and I have to figure out who's really for me. I'm the King of my castle, kinda goes without saying. I think I've found a Queen. My Bishop is someone who is as militant as I am strategic. Who can get me to chill. Knight is going to help me make the difficult...

Call me old fashioned.... But I'm starting feel like courting women with authenticity is really archaic. Me taking her out for that just sex is something is outdated. Me wanting more than just physicalities and 30 minutes of pleasure is something that gets me more denial than anything I've ever tried..... Like I've been pretty chill. Been eually active but I've only had 1 ONS ( and that was this year mind you). And that was enough to keep a mutually desire for each other aflame. But me saying that "I want to get to know you." gets me the shocked face or the "I dont think I'm ready for a relationship." Like are we not adults?? Do I have to start looking for women with kids for any sort of a consistent affection? Or do I have to turn into the Rai's and Yakki's where the only thing I'm interested in are bets and sex? A little on the nose I know but I'm seriously asking: How can I attract someone with the same interests in me ...

Was something. Typically I would have a snippet from a song to kinda summarize the post. But I don't think there is one: "Break 'em" - Ice Cube [realized at 12:23a] 😂 Starting to feel like an Untouchable. Not the Denzel Washington kind: "I CAN'T BE TOUCHED!" - Denzel Washington; Training Day But more like the Middle Eastern caste system, bottom of the totem pole, plague like, untouchable. No calls (unless I make them) No texts (unless I make them) No appointments...... Notice the pattern? Seems like some people are given the whole "out of sight; no news is good news" category. Or maybe it's because I'm just boring; kinda like watching paint, spaghetti and a towel dry. But still, my mental health has been teetering and tottering for YEARS. But whatever right.

"Damn, that nigga did it how I always wanted to do it And I'll never be able to do it like that" - Jermaine Cole I do it for myself..... Because who's really watching my playbook? No seriously, like who really cares if my plays make or take money? As I sit and wonder what's next I realize that I am someone who applies pressure in my imagination. Not because I'm the only one watching; because I'm the only participating in the races that I run. I am my only competition in my opinion. Because whether I do too much or I don't do enough, I'm the only person hit by the shots fired. Granted I'm A LOT more quiet now. (I got all the poppin' off in high school to and about people I could a fuck about.....) But it's funny how people get involved in other folks business and stay talking about how they don't have the money they want. "Do what the song say or else it'll be a long day. BE Easy!" - T.I.

" In order to lose I needed to win; in order to win I needed to choose I needed to fall, I needed to choose I couldn't be safe, I couldn't be you I'm coming for everything they said that I couldn't Including your plate and all of your food....." -Joyner Lucas (Revenge) Not to brag about the things that I have done, because let some tell it; I haven't done enough. But put it simply: I'm out for blood..... As a preteen, I was told that I was going to be a statistic, I'd end up like my mother, dead or in jail. And for the longest time I renounced the premise, I swore to God that I wouldn't be any more than what I want to be. Not anything that I wouldn't won't my kids to be..... And it worked, I've developed a certain muscle memory against it. I subconsciously work towards the "better side". The only reason I put it in quotation because I know that it's not the most lucrative way. But I'm not going to jail, I don't...