Life As I See It

Standing by a bridge that I thought was meant for everyone only to realize that the bridge fell apart as soon as I was preparing to cross over..... As I watch the activity of the other people try to help me cross the gap, I've come to realize that this gap I'm not ready to cross yet...... Realizing this is the frightening epiphany to date, to be a part of a group and still feel alone and withdrawn. To run the risk of being reticuled by multiple people for trying to seek help and reassurance..... As I watch them walk forward and continue the rest of their lives, I'm ok with being able to bask in the darkness of pity for a bit..... Someday I'll be able to take the steps necessary to cross with ease.....

"Family oriented, but I'm far from friendly....." - Korporate Bidness (Santorini Greece Freestyle) But what is family though? Genes only make you related,  but not always relatable. I have a bunch of people who I was raised around but now look at like: "who tf is this again?"🤔 because I have different experiences than them. Granted I still love them, I love the hell out of them (eh ⅘) but I know that the way I am and the way they are is like old school versus new school. Same way with my Dad, I looked at him for strength in my darkest days (and I've had a lot of them) and now I understand that our relatability stopped at 18 and I'm 29 now.  His methods aren't my favorite anymore. I've gotten older and I think different and move different: he's always on the aggressive offensive, which is offensive for his team players, but I don't think he gets it. Me? I'm passively offensive, I plan and move when no one is watching; I don't want...

Coming to realize that I have been living in a room with no windows and one door. I was reminded just how absolute death is. There's no respawn point. No one ups 🍄 No fairies or potions to revive you. I've always that my death would minimal and not mean much. But in death is when we are remembered most. I'm by no means aiming to die any sooner than predated. And reading the news about all these people dying is something that is scary to me. Instead of asking about them caring for me, I'm asking about what I can do to ensure my survival..... That last page isn't written yet....

"You want this power......then come try to take it....." - Casey Edwards (Bury the Light) I've realized that I am stronger than I have been and weaker than once believe. Our biggest flex is creating a new present where we feel invincible and all powerful. Yeah unfortunately it's never been the case for me. My greatest strength is the fact that while I disturb waves; I don't create tsunami's. So the damage is pretty small. But I get into a disastrous life situation and save people. See, having powers isn't something reserved for men in red boys short and women who look like a poster child for the revolutionary war 🤣. Us normal folks have lot's of powers: Power of choice Power of discretion Power of love For example. My power is a lot stronger than I thought, so I'll use mine to help me and you figure out how we can get it together and change the end result. ✌🏾❣️🤣

As my depression ramps and drags me down for awhile, it's hits me that I have no one to turn to. Those that I can turn to in my inner circle are tired of my musings as I try to figure out wtf I'm doing. And the ones outside of that don't give a fuck about me because they don't know me........ It's traumatizing to feel this way: wanting to break away but not sure who you're saving; them or you. I've never been truly depressed but now I'm not sure why I'm pushing for. I don't want attention but I want to be able to feel like I'm accepted. My Dad looks at me from a place of superiority and shame because of the choice's I've made since the beginning. My friends look at me from a place of detachment because they see who I am, but don't know why I am how I am. My girlfriend is looking at me from a place of distrust because she views me from a place of encompassed hurt, like I'm the one who is going to hurt her next. But at the same ...

"This is where we come, yeah we did it. City on my back, yeah I made it."- (Where We Come From) - Lecrae We are so often told that we are influence our environment and how it dictates how we are viewed by the world.... But what is very often withheld is it's the other way around; we forget that we ultimately influence our environment and the factors that compose it.  People are going to judge not necessarily on the environment itself but the assumed reason why it got that way and the majority opinion on the environment. If you come from an impoverished neighborhood, it's automatically assumed that you are a part of the problem created by the neighborhood in totality. You may not have anything to do with it.  But we gotta understand that the world makes us as much as we make it.

"Past is only cemented: hard to change and even harder to control..." So I'm going back to college, the thing is that I don't have anyone to support me mentally, not with the fervor that I have made sure people are ok with their own processes. But this isn't a bitching post. 25 years ago today, I was sitting in a room (learning center(?)" In foster care. Watching TV and I saw a show called Blue's Clues. The energy, the connection being built up with someone that I didn't know. This was hands down the only thing I can watch without feeling weird. But the original shows host came back to talk to us about why he left and how proud he was of for all our accomplishments........ It's been the most heartwarming and heartbreaking moment in 2021. Mostly because it's one of the things I put in the back of my head...... Here's my paw print Steve, right on my heart where you left it.....